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Our Beautiful Mess bio picture

welcome.

hey! glad you are here!

this is where i document glimpses of our family's ordinary, crazy life. we believe that in the midst of the mundane and the seemingly out-of-control times, god is here. and beauty is here. and this beauty can draw our gaze toward god and transform dreariness into dancing (or at least into a brief, kind-of relieved, exhale)! 

no matter who you are or what your story is, i invite you to come along for the ride. if you don't "have it all together" you will probably fit in well here. so grab some coffee, forget that you have a to-do list a mile long, and get comfy.

welcome to our beautiful mess!

 

crickets and camp stories

Saturday, July 21, 2012 Posted in daily life

hey everyone!

(crickets chirping)

is anybody still reading this blog?

(crickets chirping less)

it sure has been a while!

(silence)

hmmm, well, i’ll just pretend you are still there and i’ll keep going…

during my month-long website absence, we spent a week at family camp, celebrated my birthday (28! well, or 38), lindsey’s birthday, and went to austin, texas for my brother’s wedding (we kept austin weird!). those things, along with parenting, job interviews, parenting, searching for a second car, parenting, and attempting to start exercising after 6 months of inactivity, have kept us busy.

i wanted to give a big thanks to my friends ardin and mike for guest-blogging that first week i was gone! (i encourage you to go back and read their entries, if you haven’t)

so, as i mentioned earlier, last month we had the privilege of going up to the mountains where we spent a week at forest home family camp.

ahhh, summer camp…the bugs, the saunas (disguised as basic air condition-less cabins), the mysterious lumpy mush they call “breakfast.” nothing like it! as a young lad, i went to a church/christian camp every summer. unfortunately, other than the aforementioned bugs, saunas, and mush, my childhood camp memories are filled with homesickness, unnecessary rules, hating to get up at the crack of 6:30 (6-7 hrs earlier than i usually got up in the summer), a military-like schedule, disgusting shower facilities, and singing (or rather begrudgingly listening to others sing) annoyingly slow songs around a campfire while nervously hoping no adult would ask me to share with the group about how camp had changed my life forever (because it hadn’t, but i’d feel too ashamed to actually say that, which meant i’d either have to pretend i didn’t speak english, or make up some story about how camp had empowered me to give up my raucous life of drugs and partying and when i returned home and entered the 4th grade, i would be a new person. But both of those options would require me to lie, which is wrong…a lose-lose situation).

thankfully this recent camp experience didn’t cause me to seek out therapy afterwards (well, not by itself anyway, there were other factors too–haha).

having never been to forest home before, i didn’t know what to expect, and tried to hope for the best. and, thankfully, a lot of things impressed me–the food (no lumpy mush), the caring staff, the overall lack of guilt piled on, and the iced coffees at the hip air-conditioned coffee shop (this is southern california, people).

but what most impacted me (and lindsey) about camp, were the stories of the other campers. we were moved by the simple truth that

everyone has a story.

i’m embarrassed to admit that i frequently forget this, but it’s true. and each person’s story is a complex mixture of successes and failures, celebrations and heart-aches. many of the people i see in daily life seem to “have it all together.” they are smiling as their four young kids pile out of the new range rover and run into starbucks, and i naturally assume that they have figured out the elusive (to me) secret to life, that everything is easy and rosy for them, and that they don’t have a care or concern in the world (and never have), except for what kind of milk to get in their vanilla lattes. or i interact with the arrogant, rude guy whose mission is to belittle as many people as possible that day, and all i want to do is punch him. twice. but when i actually take time and make the effort to engage with people on a deeper level, i realize that behind the smiles, the designer clothes, the luxury SUVs, the arrogance, the anger, lie stories of real people with real hurts, real insecurities, stress, difficult transitions, tough decisions, troubling questions, losses, and fears (amazingly enough, much like me. hmm.).

during our time at camp i was reminded of this reality as i gathered with many “real” men and women who honored me by honestly and humbly inviting me into their stories.

i just can’t forget the story of the quiet, young guy who is a u.s. marine with five kids (ages 13 and younger). His wife died in january and he was left alone to raise these five precious children. as an active member of the military, he worries about who will take care of his kids if/when he is deployed. i was encouraged to hear that exactly one year earlier at this very camp, his wife had sat beside him as he told god he was exhausted from trying to make life work out of his own strength, and so was shifting his faith and reliance from himself to jesus. i was challenged by his passion to know and follow christ and to lead and love his children well during this dark time.

I was inspired by the extremely successful and talented couple who had traveled the world, written books, taught honors courses in a university, among other achievements, but then humbled themselves to take on a challenge they had no experience in…parenting…as they adopted three children from asia over the last four years. i was selfishly glad to learn they hadn’t mastered parenting yet (haha). i was amazed to hear that only ten weeks earlier they were a family of four and were not planning on adding any more to the mix. but then they surprisingly received a call saying essentially “there is a kindergarten-age boy from taiwan that has just been pulled from his third home, will you adopt him?” without giving all the details, i’ll just mention that they only had 48 hours to decide if they should become a family of five! at the end of the 48 hours, in their words, “we informed the agency that our home would be the boy’s fourth, and final, home.” cool.

i was sad as lindsey and i talked with a 15-year old girl who did a fabulous job of helping take care of our kids all week. her dad is apathetic towards her and her christian faith, and her stepmom is openly hostile. when we asked about her biological mother, she told us that her mother had died years ago. we asked how her mom died and her voice got quiet and she replied, “she died because of me. she died giving birth to me.” wow, a very weighty interpretation of the first chapter of her life story. i was so proud of her, though, for using her summer vacation to serve god and serve families like ours by caring for the children at camp.

and of course there were many more people and many more stories. like i said, i came away with new awareness that everyone i meet, rich, poor, cheerful, mad, whatever, has a story. Each person’s story is filled with wounds and fears and struggles (and maybe even traumatic childhood camp memories!) just like me.

i pray i can remember this truth as i interact with those around me, and i hope others remember it as they interact with me.

(do you struggle to remember this also? or is it just me? do you have any childhood-camp-horror-stories? by all means, share them with us!)

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by jason

4 comments

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July 25, 2012 - 8:50 pm Angel - Okay, so #4 was especially helpful. Thank you. Distractions are distracting, and they have no place in story conversations, especially if I am to practice curiosity. I don't want to be the curiosity; I want to practice it! I think point 3 is such a seemingly obvious step, but I forget to do it more often than not. The last point (combined with #2), though, is what really made me think. I was thinking about counseling versus typical social conversation, and the big distinction is that there is a distinct speaker and listen in the former setting. I think that when people feel listened to, they are much more likely to feel safe enough to open up and be vulnerable. I often direct conversations to commonalities, I think, and I see now that that can get in the way of showing my true curiousity and listening well, leaving conversations more on the (safe) surface. I am tired of safe, though! I want the nitty-gritty, real-life stuff! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, J. They have given me much to think about.

July 24, 2012 - 10:34 pm jason - Angel, thanks for the honest comments and the question! It's funny, that question has been swirling in my head a lot, and i think you would be one of the first people i would go to for help! communication is complex b/c people are complex, and each person and situation is different, but briefly, here are some general thoughts: 1) as you mentioned, risking and actually interacting in the midst of the fears, is huge (and exploring why those fears are there is obviously important) 2) as larry "the king crabb" crabb says, practice curiosity. you can actually develop a heightened sense of curiosity for, and interest in, others by purposefully asking good questions and by not redirecting the conversation back to yourself. you can slowly grow to believe that each person is unique and intriguing and is worthy of you listening to their story. 3) in the moment, ask god to give you words, questions, wisdom to read the situation well, etc. 4) don't have broccoli stuck in your teeth, it's very distracting. and make sure your breath doesn't resemble the aroma of your baby's most recent blow-out. (jokes...kind of) 5) listen well. be a detective and try to pick up on anything he/she says in the conversation that you resonate with and/or could help you ask more "meaningful" questions. that's a few off the top of my head. what else can you think of?

July 21, 2012 - 10:47 pm Angel - I was at a party today (with a bunch of people I did not know)and was sitting next to a guy. We exchanged small talk about the Denver area, where we lived, how we knew our mutual friend. All the while, I was dying to ask him: What is your story? What are your dreams? What do you think your purpose is? I really wanted to know this guy a bit deeper and perhaps encourage him or whatever. I ended up, though, not asking anything like that out of fear - fear of putting him on the spot, not knowing how to phrase the question, or him thinking I was a weirdo who didn't know party-coversation-protocol. I feel regret now. I wish I would have taken the risk. My question to you, though, J, is: do you have any thoughts on how to get to the place where people share their stories? I truly care about peoples hopes, dreams, losses, failures, successes, etc., but I struggle with feeling like I need to be close to them before I can go there with conversations.

July 21, 2012 - 10:20 pm TJ - Yes, everyone has a story. It's so nice to listen. Thank you for the reminder to do that.

guest blog: i am not alone (by mike riley)

Thursday, June 21, 2012 Posted in guest bloggers

I should not be reading this blog.

I have enough problems of my own. Why would I spend time reading about other people’s problems?

I mean, think about it. Do homeless people go on camping trips? NO! Because their life already resembles camping. They don’t want to repeat their lives; as if living though it themselves was not enough.

Frankly, my life is about as much of a mess as I can deal with-often less than beautiful-and I cannot figure out why I would be concerned with another man’s mess. Why wake up in the morning and read about their problems? Why take time from mind numbing television to double my exposure to life’s complications?

I have no idea.

I think I am going to stop reading blogs.

I have too much to do. For example; today.

I got up early and went to the gym. (Derry, that fitness freak, was going and if I didn’t make it I would not hear the end of it!) I drove home from the gym using new directions from my wife. (She found a way past the busy school road-far less annoying!) Once home, I read a chapter from a from a travel book to an area of the world I will be visiting, Googled the best place to get flights and the best hotels. Then…it hit me.

Accountability; like the gym accountability. Exploring new ways; like the back roads my wife discovered. Advice for my upcoming travel obstacles; like the travel book, the Google results and all the Lonely Planet advice.

People blog because they know they are not alone. People read blogs to know they are not alone. They need the accountability that makes them try one more time. They need directions past the problem areas. They need to know that people have been there before, are going through “it” right now and will probably struggle in the future.

The truth is I live in a world of blogs, and only some of them are on the internet. The rest are called by other names; recipes, furniture assembly instructions from Ikea, sermons, child rearing advice from parents, doctor’s orders, text books, diet plans, evacuation plans, road maps, prayers, coaches, school grades, tax laws, traffic citations and so much more.

They are all designed to keep me accountable, to show me the way, to make me nod in agreement, to let me know someone has tested and survived the dilemma I now face; they are designed to remind me I am not alone.

Yep. They are blogs, disguised under different names.

And that makes the mess beautiful. Because someone is letting me into their mess, to observe, to see how it is done or not done, to compare messes and ways to clean it up, if necessary.

No. I am not alone.

I know that because I live in a world of blogs, and occasionally I even read them online.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a lot to do. My bulging disk is bothering me so I have to read a blog on back care. I also have more preparations for my trip, so I need to read some blogs on Bangkok. My daughter got bit up by mosquitoes, so I got to read this blog on tropical weather health. I have weird ingredients in my house and don’t know what to make for dinner; there’s a blog for that.

Thank goodness I am not alone. I would be a mess. Not a beautiful mess. Just a plain old mess.

by jason

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Guest blog: MK Mess (by Ardin Beech)

Monday, June 18, 2012 Posted in guest bloggers

Well, I have to say: what an honor. I’ve never been asked to write anything other than NAME and DATE OF BIRTH that one time while the kindly customs officers with the latex gloves made sure I wasn’t importing anything in my delicate parts. So this is a little daunting. It’s as if Jason handed me his firstborn and said “here, look after this for a week and keep it clean! Oh, and here’s a spare diaper and a trowel.”

So I met Jason when his family spent some time in Bolivia, seeking asylum from some horrible 3rd-world hole known as “Nebraska.” As I came to discover recently, apart from Bolivia and our inability to ever become attractive movie stars, we also share a battle with mental illness. (Judging from the posts on this blog, Jason also seems to have a certain ambivalence towards proper grammar. But I digress.) This probably raises alarms with you the reader, but I say don’t judge. If I want to lick the windows on the 104 bus that’s my own prerogative. No, anxiety seems to be our shared issue.

I can’t speak for Jason but mine was (I believe) brought on by stress and went undiagnosed for many years because it manifested as digestive trouble. I have no idea what my stomach had to be anxious about. It sat there enjoying 3 square-ish meals a day and the occasional 8 pounds of chocolate. Maybe some partying on the weekends. So after feeling sick for about 3 years straight I figured it probably wasn’t my fast food diet and began thinking perhaps it was all in my head. This was a huge turning point on the road to recovery. Consequently I did nothing. I was too proud to see a shrink, and too obstinate to take any meds, except for that red pill that gets you into The Matrix. Totally worth the $5 I paid that Chinese kid. My reluctance to go on meds was mostly anchored in not wanting to get addicted to anything and I also wanted to give God a chance to show up and do something, even if He took His sweet time. Does God heal today? Yes. Do I recommend this stubborn method to everyone else? No. If you need help get help! If I starved to death in the middle of a cornfield, (or vegetable field of your choice; probably cheese if you’re from Wisconsin) praying that God would provide food for me, I wouldn’t be faithful, I’d be an idiot!

I left my job and worked from home on small projects, which did nothing for my self-worth, until I was offered a job at the local radio station. Apparently I sounded OK, and after 3 months of fighting with management, I was pushed into our drive time show weekday afternoons. I’ve never found anything more stressful, other than that time I banged my thumb in a door and my nail took 3 excruciating months to fall off, despite my constant gnawing. Maybe my problem was that although I was waiting for God to do something, I never actually turned to Him in angst, as my only source of hope, on my knees: where I should have been in the first place. After 2 weeks on air, and feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I yelled at God in the car on the way home. “Lord, I’m pretty sure this is where you want me to be. If it is, you’d better fix it!” And wouldn’t you know, everything got better after that. It’s still a slow road, but it’s a road that heads uphill, towards the light. (NO! not that light! Don’t go towards THAT light!) Nowadays I only ever get the occasional panic attack when traveling overseas sometimes, but gosh, in this age of terrorism you’d be crazy not to! I’ve been promoted to the breakfast shift, and I love my job.

Some years ago, a dear friend of mine lost her husband in an electrical accident. Her entire world was torn apart and she was left mothering 3 small children on her own. Opening up at dinner one night, she said as horrific, horrible and mind-numbing that experience was, it brought her so close to God, she’d go through it all again just for His close presence. Wow. I know nothing of pain, nothing of stress, nothing of anxiety, and it would seem, nothing of faith. You can go through pain by yourself, or you can go through it with God and those who love you. Also, windows taste great.

by jason

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guest bloggers: the boliviaustralian (i made that up) ryan seacrest and the beer-chugging, hippie missionary

Sunday, June 17, 2012 Posted in guest bloggers

hey everyone! first of all, i wanna give you a huge thanks for reading this blog! it’s super encouraging to get your comments, emails, fb messages, and smoke signal. (though upon further reflection, i’m pretty sure the smoke signal was merely my neighbor burning the chicken on his grill. it’s a new grill, so he’s unfamiliar with it. it makes sense.) this site is still far from “finished” but, nevertheless, it has been fun to get it back up and running and to get re-connected with so many of you from all around the globe!

and speaking of all around the globe, two friends of mine (one in australia and one in thailand) have graciously agreed to be guest bloggers, and i’m super pumped about it! i’m going offline june 17-23, so they’re filling in. i simply asked them to write about their “beautiful mess” and to go easy on the swearing. should be simple enough, right? let me introduce them to you:

Ardin Beech: Ardin is from australia and therefore would normally type with a cool accent (from an american’s perspective) but he grew up as an MK (missionary kid) in cochabamba, bolivia, so he kinda lost the “cool” part of it. (no offense, bolivia) anyway, bolivia is where our paths crossed. 15ish years ago, when i was in college, our family moved there for a year. ardin was in the 11th grade, and i was his p.e. teacher. he was a spry lad, (i’m not even sure what that means, but it sounded good when i said it in my head) polite and light-hearted, and i think i gave him above-average grades in p.e., except when it came to weightlifting. even with multiple bribes (it was culturally acceptable) i just couldn’t nudge it higher than a D+. but he was fabulous at track and the riverdance. although outwardly a fine upstanding missionary kid, he did have a mischievous side (thank god) so he is a bit normal. he is now back in australia, and is a husband and a big shot radio announcer. he writes a hilarious blog called “mk tales” documenting (and possibly slightly exaggerating) his crazy misadventures as an out-of-place kid in south america–funny stuff. i think you’ll be really entertained by his writing!

Mike Riley: Mike is a great friend, a kindred spirit, and one of the most intriguing people i know. he also grew up as an mk, but in spain and argentina. i met him almost 15 years ago, when he was working for world team, the organization we served with in costa rica. mike looks like a tough bouncer at a club, but has a tender heart (maybe bouncers usually do too? i guess i don’t really know). he’s annoyingly passionate about the grateful dead, any anti-corporate sentiments, soccer, extravagantly hopped ale, coffee, and any food items generally considered harmful to your health. mike has a fabulous wife and rad kids and their family makes the world a better place. the last few years of their journey have been crazy chaotic…they lived in northern china for three years until they got kicked out (!). then they were in costa rica for a while, coincidently the same time we were. after a few other brief stops here and there, they moved to thailand a couple months ago, and will be there for at least two years, working with youth and trying to bring hope to those damaged by the sex industry. gnarly, redemptive stuff. you can follow “the wandering rileys” on their blog. mike always helps me think deeply and look at the world and people in new ways. you’ll be challenged by his words.

ardin’s post should be online on monday and mike’s on thursday, pending technical difficulties. (in which case i’ll post them asap when i turn my computer back on)

so please give ‘em a warm “our beautiful mess” welcome, leave some nice comments, (even if you have to lie…they’ll never know) and check out their sites!

thanks again!! see ya in a week or so!

-jason

by jason

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life would be so easy if i was pregnant!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012 Posted in daily life

several weekends ago i helped my lovely bride set up a Lindsey Kliewer Photography display for a pregnancy/birth fair. I wondered how many people would attend an event like this. I was hoping more than 3. by the time it started, hundreds of enthusiastic “expecting” couples were lined up waiting to get in. and over the next few hours, hundreds more arrived. i’ve never seen so many pregnant women (and strollers worth more than our car) in my whole life! As i observed all these mommas-growing-babies, i contemplated just how cool and easy life must be when you’re pregnant. You know, with all the advantages they have over the rest of us. and after awhile I even found myself a little jealous. Daily life would be so simple and fun if I had a baby in my belly! I’m sure you all agree with me, and need no further details or explanation, but for the sake of conversation, I’ve jotted down the top 4 reasons (time and space did not allow me to include the other 46) that I, a dude, wish i was pregnant. so, here goes nothing:

#4) i’d get to wear those sweet jeans with the blue stretchy waistband

wow, where do I start with this one? If I’m reaching up changing a light bulb, or hip-hop dancing at the club, no one gets an unwanted glimpse of my mid-riff. My belly stays warm if I set my soda on it while reclining in the chair watching a game. I don’t have the what-color-belt-do-i-wear dilemma. When sneaking candy into a theater, the blue band provides the perfect hiding place for snacks for the entire family, especially if you use cotton candy as packing material, so as to smooth out bumps caused by the numerous boxes of jawbreakers, m&m’s, and gummy worms, as well as the Tupperware container of chilidogs. The list could go on and on.

#3) i’d get a free pass to eat whatever i want, because it will be viewed as just another crazy pregnancy craving

I’m 37 years old and relatively health-conscious, but, naturally, i still enjoy nacho cheese Doritos in my pb & j sandwich (both for the texture and the complex blend of flavors that can only be appreciated by those of us with a highly sophisticated and refined palate). I also enjoy using a piece of twizzler’s licorice as a straw to sip my soda, and sandwiches consisting of nothing more that white bread and miracle whip (all of this is disturbingly true, btw). Being preggers would allow me to partake of such culinary pleasures in public without fear of ridicule.

#2) shopping for clothes is so simple!

I buy my clothes from sale racks. I hate spending more than single digits on any item of clothing. The frustrating thing about sale-rack-shopping is that the selection of sizes is limited. I might see a shirt I love for $4, but when I look for a size L, there’s only M, XL, and XXL. outta luck. But if I was pregnant I could confidently buy any sale shirt i liked, with complete disregard for the size, because during my preggo and postpartum journey, my ever-changing body would undoubtedly pass through whatever size the shirt was! I can’t lose!

#1) i would be a real-life superhero (with my superhuman sense of smell)

every dude dreams of having a superpower. We dream of flying, running at the speed of light, and throwing fireballs at our neighbor’s annoying dog. but don’t underestimate the glory to be attained with a superhuman sense of smell. allow me to explain by using this hypothetical scenario (note: although this situation is fictional, the characters are, in fact, real. names have not been changed).

Scene setting: Jason and his buddies, roger and Justin, are in a car, heading home late at night from church league basketball, hungry after just playing (and winning!) 17 basketball games in a row (a new church record!)

Roger: man Jason, you were on fire tonight! You must’ve averaged 30 points a game!

Justin: yeah dude, you were unstoppable out there! Can’t believe you can still dunk at 35 weeks pregnant!!

Roger: and you “tebowed” after every game…truly an inspiration to all of us.

Jason: ah guys, just a lucky night I guess. glad we all had fun, but now I’m ready to get some grub—I’m eatin’ for two! The food is on me tonight!

Justin: sweet! What’s open at this hour?

Roger: yeah J, can you help us out with that? What options we got?

Jason: (sticks his head out of the window, closes his eyes in concentration, and takes a deep breath) well, it smells like there is an in-and-out about 2 miles straight ahead, and if we take a right at the next light and go about 6 blocks or so, there’s a taco bell, and just a minute up the road there is a 7-eleven on the left side.

Justin: man, you are so cool!! I love it when you do that! But, back to the food, I wonder if there are any hot dogs left at 7-eleven?

Jason: hold on a sec, bro. (sticks head out and takes another deep breath) ok, smells like there are 2 dogs left, a regular and a cheese filled one, as well as a couple of egg rolls, and some chicken strips. The little Debbie selection is slim, but I’m pretty sure they just refilled the blue-raspberry slurpee machine.

Roger: dude! you. Are. Awesome!! stupid siri could never do that! (laughs and throws iphone out of the window. everyone laughs.)

Justin: yeah man, you’re living the dream! sure sucks to be roger and i! Thanks for using your superpowers to help us out.

Jason: (smiles and pats his belly) don’t thank me, thank this little fella!

(Roger and Justin look at each other and smile, nodding their heads in agreement as they also admiringly pat jason’s belly)

End scene.

 

As you can clearly see, these reasons alone totally justify my envy of those who get to live the pregnant experience. It’s a cake walk! Like a 9-month visit to the spa! Just too bad my life will not include a season of such ease.

So now that I’ve shared my soul with you, it’s your turn. I’ll wrap this up by leaving you with a few questions, you know, just for conversation:

who are you jealous of? Whose life do you wish you had?

if you’re honest, is their situation really as glamorous and perfect as your imagination tells you it is??

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by jason

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June 15, 2012 - 11:48 am jason - judy-glad it was something you needed and glad it brought you a laugh! and it's good to hear that even those older, wiser, and more mature, have times of crossroads! thx for sharing, judy. bernadette-wait a minute, there are things that are NOT romantic and super awesome about being pregnant?? hmmm. i've got a lot to learn--haha! thx for the insight! anna-a disclaimer?? oh you of little faith.

June 13, 2012 - 11:35 pm Annelise Kliewer - one of the funniest things about this post are the labels. #blogger humor (if we were to tweet about it) the second funniest thing? the lack of disclaimer.

June 13, 2012 - 4:09 pm Bernadette - Dude, don't forget all the fun of morning sickness, stretch marks, and fitting into small places...! Smelling things no woman should ever smell... Also, the future (painful) events of actual labor, "cosmetic" stitches, and natural feeding... Oh, that's your next blog??? Ok, proceed with the ice cream and pickles!

June 13, 2012 - 11:17 am Judy Krysl - Jason, I must REALLY need this today! I just closed my Proverbs 31 online devotional on "The Comparison Trap," by Renee Swope. She includes: "it wasn't until i was in my thirties, feeling miserable, that i realized i was still stuck in the comparison trap: serving where i was needed, but not where i was gifted; trying to find my purpose, yet confused because i didn't know who i was." In my 60s, I'm at a crossroads, and it's good to have a chuckle while telling God that I really don't want to be living ANYONE else's life.

wwmdd? update: the bad guys* tripped and fell

Tuesday, June 5, 2012 Posted in daily life

we are not yet speeding off into the sunset, wind blowing through our hair, radio blasting, as the credits start to roll on this drama/action/adventure/romantic comedy that is this season of our life, but our situation has taken an encouraging turn, and we have some breathing room for a little while.

we talked with our landlord and he agreed to only raise our rent by $300 (vs. $700), which is a huge blessing for us! we had already started searching for other places to live, but with this news, we don’t have to move. we are super grateful to god and our landlord!

we still have no great leads as far as full-time employment for me, but we are definitely celebrating this bit of good news regarding our rent. thanks to all of you readers who were thinking of us and/or praying for us!

 

(*if you read the previous post, you will know that in this action movie analogy, i am in fact, represented by matt damon. which is appropriate because there are nearly limitless similarities…like, um…well, uh, oh yeah, we both have “a” as the second letter in our first name, and also, um, let’s see, he starred in “good will hunting” and i have actually been hunting. and, well, there are just too many to mention, so i’ll stop there. you get the point. but what i wanted to clarify is that “the bad guys” do not represent our landlord. i’m not meaning to insult anyone’s analogy comprehension, but just wanted to make that extra clear, so that some misunderstanding wouldn’t lead to an email from said landlord stating something to the effect of, “dear ungrateful tenants, recently i mistakenly raised your rent by $300/month. please forgive me. the actual rent increase is $3000/month, and is retroactive to when you first moved in 26 months ago. therefore, when you pay your july rent, would you kindly enclose a check for the amount of $78,000.00, so that you are up to date with rent charges. yours truly, ‘the bad guys’” cause that would not be good. we don’t have $78,000.00. make sense? cool.)

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by jason

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June 5, 2012 - 7:23 pm Tia - Love the Matt Damon anologies. There is clearly no one better suited to represent him than you, J! And yay for a reduced increase...and that you will get to stay in CMD and not have to join to the poor, unfortuntate souls who will never know what the sea breeze rushing through their living room (and hair)looks like. :)

June 5, 2012 - 5:06 pm TJ - God has the provision even before we know we have the need. You're covered. Always.

wwmdd? (what would matt damon do?)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 Posted in daily life

i love a good action/adventure movie.

but i hate the scene toward the end of these movies, when, for example, the good guys (usually a dude and a chick, let’s say matt damon and jessica alba) have retreived the stolen diamonds (or nuclear weapon information or bush’s baked beans family recipe, or whatever) and are running for their lives through the streets of some exotic city with the bad guys in hot pursuit. if the good guys can just get to their car, they can speed off to safety and live happily ever after on an island in the mediterranean. but they’re not there yet. they’re running down the crowded sidewalks, knocking over pedestrians (and apologizing, of course), then scrambling across the busy streets nearly getting flattened by traffic, while the bad guys are closing in fast (which is only explained by the fact that jessica is in heels and matt has been shot in both legs 12 times). finally, exhausted and frantic, matt & jess scramble up 24 flights of stairs to a parking lot on top of a tall building and they see their car in the distance! can they make it in time?? they arrive at the car and hop in as fast as they can. matt slams the key in the ignition while jessica is freaking out yelling “GO! GO! They’re almost here!”, but just then…(feel the suspense)…the car won’t start!!! (horrific gasp). he tries and tries and hits the dash several times with his fist, but it doesn’t help.
 

why does the stupid car never start??
 

seriously. it’s been starting fine the whole frickin movie.

like i said, i hate these scenes. because at this point in the movie, i’m worn out from the last 90 minutes of drama, thrill, and suspense, and my nerves can’t take one more obstacle in the plan. at this point i’m ready for the story to just work out perfectly. i’m ready for the car to start up immediately and for matt and jessica to flash their “job well done! we’re rich now, and we’ve made the planet a safer place. i love you even though we only met 48 hours ago. let’s get married and live on an island and eat all the baked beans we want!” smiles at each other as they speed away, the bad guys fading away in the rear-view mirror.

i’ve been unemployed for a few months, which, financially and emotionally, can feel like running from bad guys who are gaining fast. i had already had my fill of drama and stress, and was hoping for a quick happy ending to this crazy season, when i got an email from our landord. our rent, as of next month, is increasing by $700 (!).
 

the car didn’t start.
 

this unexpected news hit us hard. it added to our confusion, and brought up, or changed, lots of questions…what type of job do i pursue for right now? does lindsey get another job instead of photography? what path do i take as far as a future long-term vocation? why didn’t i invent facebook? you know, questions like that.

i’m writing about this because this is what has been on my mind for the last week-and-a-half. and because we’re still in the middle of it. as i type, this situation is still in the “messy” part, meaning i don’t have the beautiful ending where god comes through for us in a big way. as of yet, the car hasn’t started even though i’ve beat my fist on the dash a couple (hundred) times.

but, as you know, in the movies, matt and jessica always escape. in the nick of time, the car does finally start (or else they bail out of the car and blindly jump off the building and land on the back of a truck that is hauling, conveniently, a stack of 100 mattresses. whew! that was lucky!).

this isn’t a movie, but, i do believe (in spite of my confusion, discouragement and anxiety) that god is a good enough storywriter to get us out of a predicament like unemployment and an extra $700/month, a problem that is so small it would make for one seriously boring movie.

so we’ll keep turning the key (or consider taking a plunge onto a truck of mattresses) and i’ll keep you updated on our narrow escape, when it happens!
 

to be continued…

 

 

by jason

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May 31, 2012 - 2:42 pm jason - andrea- oh man i forgot about avb, but after all these years, those songs/lyrics are still in my head somewhere. awesome that they came to your mind regarding our situation! good stuff. thx! steamer-thanks so much for reading and commenting! i didn't know that jars of clay song, but listened to it this morning--so cool. love the first words, and those about starting the car (i honestly didn't plagiarize!). thx for sharing! tia-i remember when you guys were in the midst of that crazy confusing time, when there seemed like there were no great options. it's good to hear stories like that, stories of people who have walked through similar times and are now looking back in astonishment. thx for the reminder!

May 30, 2012 - 3:20 pm Tia - Jason, I love how you communicate through written words. That opening paragraph...totally captivating despite it being a string of predictable events! I was wondering how in the world you were going to tie it into unemployment and zing! You did it! Oh me of little faith! :) I remember back in Novemember/December being in a place where I was thinking that I had no idea how we were going to make it (financially and medically). Dan just got told that not only would his temporary job status not be changed (despite what he had been told for the last 6 months), but he needed to take almost two weeks off unpaid and there might be other hours cut as well. I was 8 months pregnant without insurance coverage (because we naively thought Dan's work benefits would come through) and was absolutely panicked! I begged for God to do something miraculous and somehow get Dan's job status to change so that we would have benefits and he would get time off, but that did not happen. After weeks of freaking out, praying, freaking out, praying, freaking out...I began to realize that God was not providing in the way I thought best (benefits and steady hours for Dan), but He was providing. It was one of those times when I felt supported by community like never before - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially. He cared for us through people. It was interesting to step back and see that God's provision did not look anything like I thought it should/would, but He was giving us just enough for each day...and somehow we made it. Five months later we finally got what I had been thinking we could not survive without - a permanent position for Dan and benefits. It still blows me away how we made it. Even now, I can't really tell you how except that God graciously used people, his Word, the Spirit, songs/sermons at church, etc. to encourage our hearts and remind us again and again of who He is, where our security, peace, joy, and provision come from, that He deeply cares about us, and that He is very good. Waiting (for the car to start) is so hard, so scary, so painful. It absolutely stinks. But, wow, the view that comes later (once you are chilling on the island eating beans...or whatever!), after the dust has settled and you can look back and see how God has been faithful to carry and provide for you, is AMAZING and has built my faith like nothing else. This way of learning dependence and trust is not something I would necessarily wish on myself or anyone else, but when it is my reality and I am through it, I am always grateful. I look forward to walking with you guys through the mess, seeing you through to the other side, and standing in awe and thanksgiving together. You'll get there, not sure how (since that is God's thing), but it will happen. Of that I am sure!

May 30, 2012 - 1:45 pm steamer - great post jason. (I found this blog via lindsay's FB post, and I met lindsay at FEO). Reminds me of this song by Jars of Clay - Sunny Days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhrpo737xm4 (listen around 2:21)

May 30, 2012 - 9:32 am andrea - i'm reminded of what the great philosophers from AVB once said, God will provide all the riches and joy this world can conceive he'll stay by your side if you hold to the life and truly believe. So maybe their music is a little cheesy now, but seriously.... I was just sitting here this morning thinking about your blog and all of a sudden I busted out singing this song.

i know what message you need!

Thursday, May 17, 2012 Posted in daily life, the gospel

have you ever had one of those mornings when you were just feeling off? when you were just not your “normal” self? do you know what i’m talking about? those mornings when you can’t think clearly, when little annoyances are like someone crashing cymbals an inch from your ear, when making toast, cereal, and juice feels like a triathlon, and the day seems like it’s going to be 3 weeks long and all you want to do is lock yourself in the bathroom and mindlessly play angry birds for 7 hours?

i’ve had, well, let’s just say, more than one of these (thank you depression, for giving me so much blog material. you’re so very generous). and to make matters worse, when i’m floundering in the haze of this craziness, it never fails, while running to grab the burning bread from the toaster oven, or chasing a kid fleeing from a diaper change, i will stub the little toe on my right foot. every. frickin. time. why, when i’m overwhelmed and off, do i subconsciously miscalculate the length of the smallest digit on my rightmost lower appendage? i don’t know. but i do it. and it hurts. and i get mad. and i hop around holding my toe, mumbling words i hope my kids never repeat in public.

recently i was having one of these mornings. i was frustrated and confused about being unemployed and not knowing what our future held, and was feeling unproductive, sad, and overwhelmed. i was standing in our kitchen, leaning back against the counter, toe still slightly throbbing, expressing all this to lindsey who was a patient and supportive listener. shelby was playing with toys on the floor just a few feet away, and after i’d talked for a while she (shelby) stands up, looks at me and says,

“papi, i know what message you need!” 

and she darts off toward her room. i wasn’t sure what she was talking about. what message did i need? what message was i so strongly thirsting for at that moment, that a four-year-old sensed it? a few seconds later she comes back and hands me a page from a coloring book that she had beautifully colored in church. it was a picture of a young smiling girl who was declaring these four simple words,

“jesus cares for me!” 

jesus.
cares.
for.
me.

as i took the paper from shelby i gave her a hug and sincerely thanked her. then i paused briefly, consciously breathing a little slower, and tried to soak in at least a drop of this ocean of truth, this one short phrase holding an eternity of meaning.

and in these four words this is what i heard…i heard that i was not alone. i heard that jesus loved me and was with me. i was reminded that there was someone infinitely wiser, more creative, more energetic and more capable than me carrying the responsibility of guiding our family and providing for us not only today, but tomorrow and the next. i received affirmation that it was safe to express my emotions and thoughts and fears and to show my “down” side…jesus has known me at my worst, and adores me! (this was reinforced by my lovely bride being a gracious presence during my tough morning–thank you, baby!). i needed all of this.

all of my “problems” didn’t miraculously go away, i didn’t start singing “zip-a-dee-doo-dah” at the top of my lungs, and my toe didn’t immediately grow a titanium exoskeleton (though that woulda been freakin awesome!). but i could rest a little, remembering that the loving god knows me and my family by name and always has us under his wing. i could exhale a bit, knowing in my heart that,

“jesus cares for me!”

i’m not pretending to be as spiritually aware as a child, but today, right now, maybe this is the message you need.     

 

 

by jason

11 comments

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June 5, 2012 - 4:59 pm TJ - Thanks.

May 30, 2012 - 3:55 pm ashley b. - I love this, Jason! What a beautiful picture of this simple and yet oh so important truth. And i love that God chose to speak to you through Shelby. It brought tears to my eyes.

May 24, 2012 - 9:53 pm jason - valorie, thanks for the honesty and good words. i sensed that there was a sermon somewhere in the colors/coloring, and even took time to meditate a bit on it, but i just couldn't find it, but you did! that was so cool! thank you for reading and sharing.

May 23, 2012 - 2:55 pm Valorie - Thanks, Jason and Shelby! It is a message I need to hear even as I struggle to believe it in the midst of the daily battle. Having the personality that I do, I can't help but notice the multi-colored speech bubble that Shelby illustrated this truth with. I think there is a whole sermon in just that. It even includes and begins with BLACK before utilizing the "Roy G Biv" spectrum colors in the rainbow. It reminds me of Matthew 4:16, "the people dwelling in darkness have seen a great light, and for those dwelling in the region and shadow of death, on them a light has dawned.” Perhaps black is where we always begin before we can appreciate the delightful range of colors in the daily process of being made holy like Jesus.  Maybe Shelby was just using all the markers from her box, but I thank God that literally, out of the mouths (and fingers) of babes, he has provided praise for himself, even when I can't.

May 18, 2012 - 9:26 pm jason - andrea, the new little mama. you are in a tough season. you are a great mom and are not alone!! we love you! jared, i've cried at starbucks before and it was in fact embarrassing. seriously, i'm so glad that this truth was meaningful to you today. stacey, thanks for your encouragement! god loves to use kids to spread grace! tia, as always, thanks so much for the words and support! "off" days suck, but they are neither forever nor worthless. good can come of them. (oh, but they still suck--and never think you're alone!). barry! great to hear from you, man. thanks for the affirmation, it means a lot. so sorry to hear about your friend passing away. may god spread light and hope throughout the cameroon jungle through you and your amazing fam!

May 18, 2012 - 2:32 pm Barry - I really like your blog . . . thanks for sharing.

May 18, 2012 - 1:32 pm celine - totally gave me goosebumps. pretty amazing, the whole thing...Jesus cares for me!

May 18, 2012 - 10:39 am Tia - I really, really liked this blog and message. Thank you, God, for using little Shelby and her (kinda odd) coloring page to speak truth to us adults. We needed something simple, yet rich with implications. And, Jason, I am so thankful that you were reminded of this truth right when you needed it most. What a gracious God we serve! Oh, and yesterday morning I was totally "off". I was in my own head, seeing only faults in those around me, and just feeling overwhelmed by the tasks that were ahead. I am glad to know that I am not alone. :)

May 18, 2012 - 9:50 am Stacey - This is awesome Jason...it literally brought tears to my eyes. I just love how God works thru our kids too. What a precious gift Shelby gave you that day with that reminder. : )

May 18, 2012 - 8:33 am jared - reading this at starbucks and wondering if anyone is noticing my tears. kinda embarrassing. this is a simple, but amazing truth that i need to hear every day. it's what i needed to hear this morning.

May 18, 2012 - 12:42 am Andrea - Streaming tears

mr. mom?? piece o’ cake!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 Posted in daily life

i lost my job in march. since then i’ve taken on the title of “mr. mom” and lindsey has become the bread-winner of the family. i’m relatively new to this stay-at-home-parent thing, and there are many aspects about my new role that i still need to learn. but this one thing i know…

 

…stay-at-home parenting is hard work! 

 

how do you get anything done other than just taking care of the kids? that, in and of itself, seems like a full-time job, let alone adding the daily necessary chores, like laundry, cooking, cleaning, eating, and attending to personal hygiene (some things are becoming optional)! and on top of all that, we (stay-at-home parents) are apparently supposed to update our facebook status regularly?? well, just so people don’t think i’m falling behind in my new responsibilities, i’m really focusing on writing a new facebook status that gives people an authentic glimpse into my life at home.

here’s what i have so far,

(written with an exuberant and peaceful smile) “Ah, another perfect start to a perfect day! it’s not even 10am yet and i’ve already finished the laundry, baked gluten-free cinnamon rolls, grocery shopped and meal planned for the week, worked out (twice), dropped off canned goods for the homeless, read the new testament (in greek), scrubbed the floors, paid the bills, lost 4 pounds, spent quality time reading books to the kids and playing with them (after they slept soundly for 13 hours), lost another 4 pounds, hand-made 25 thank-you cards to send to my friends and neighbors to thank them for, well, for just being them”

it needs tweaking a bit, but it’s coming along nicely. but i do have a confession to make…buckle yourself in for this one…as i hinted to at the beginning of this post, my life as mr. mom doesn’t actually look exactly like that now, or ever. i know, i know, you’re shocked. but it’s true.

right now there is load of laundry in the washer that has been there damp for over a day, but i can’t switch it over to the dryer because there are clothes that have been sitting in there for over two days. the bathroom needs a good cleansing, the crock-pot still has disgusting chicken-water in it from the chicken i made four days ago (!), half of the sand from big corona beach is on our floor, and we’re out of bread.

a few days ago i lit a kitchen towel on fire while making brown rice. brown rice! and i don’t mean that i just singed the fuzzy edges, i’m talking it was on fire, like full-on flames leaping and licking at my now-dishwater-hands! i kinda freaked out and possibly screamed like a young girl and threw the towel into the sink and cranked the water on as fast as possible (come to think of it, i could’ve dumped the chicken-water from the crock-pot on it and killed two birds with one stone…crap. classic rookie mistake).

last week at one point shelby said, “papi, that toothbrush that angelina has in her mouth is the same one that mami and me use to spot laundry with poop on it.” sweet. i wondered if other parents have had to floss poop out of their kid’s teeth. awesome.

i do love being at home with the girls. so far, i enjoy it much more than going to a job. but i will say it again,

 

stay-at-home parenting is hard work!

 

which is why i also say “well done” to all you stay-at-home parents! you have a tough job that can use up unbelievable amounts of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. you have my respect. oh, and don’t believe everything you read on facebook (another shocker, i know. sorry, shoulda warned you).

but speaking of facebook, i’m gonna end this blog post because i really should get back to composing my new status update, so that i can prove myself worthy of my new title. let’s see, what is my soon-to-be-status still missing, oh yeah…

“and i planted an herb garden, and wrote a chapter of my book, and put the turducken in the oven so it’ll be perfectly juicy for the dinner party we’re hosting tonight, and connected deeply with five of my best friends, and lost yet another 4 pounds, and squeezed orange juice for breakfast, and had sweet communion with god while praying for the healing of the nations, and researched colleges for my four-year-old, and…”  

by jason

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May 24, 2012 - 3:41 pm jason - thanks brooke!!

May 21, 2012 - 10:14 pm Brooke - This is awesome! You are such a great writer. You really made me laugh!

May 14, 2012 - 5:18 pm jason - ah, john mark davidson! the mad dunker of ile bball! miss you guys so much! thanks for taking time to read the blog, that means a lot to me. you guys are crazy inspiring! you're living a great story, and we're stoked to know you. lets do disneyland one of these years. viva surco!

May 13, 2012 - 8:45 pm John Mark D. - Always love your blog posts Jason!! Tara and I read it together and laughed out loud. You are a true inspiration. I am already looking forward to the next one (after you dump the chicken-water). Peace brother.

May 8, 2012 - 9:30 pm jason - stephanie!! you team lima peeps are too humble to admit it, but YOU CAN do all that amazing stuff better than anyone i know! we would love it if our paths cross again. god can do it!

May 8, 2012 - 5:06 pm jason - anna - thanks for the good words!! and yes, i'd love to do a playdate! maybe we can meet in the middle and find a pilates class that has daycare? that way the kids can play and you and i can get our 6-pack abs back! vicki - glad you like it! thanks for your comment! i am very grateful to have this time w/the girls. it's so cool! bethany - the blessed holy mother of little rad! hang in there!! some of the laughter about the mishaps comes a while AFTER said mishaps. andrew - you always were my favorite! and your wife is too nice (no, i'm being serious, she is wayyyy too nice for you). miss you man. see you and your lovely fam at sean's wedding?? andrea - thx!! btw, showers and teeth brushing are totally overrated, as are changing your clothes (or in your case, lavender sweats) every day, eating at "normal" times, and being able to carry on a coherent conversation when your brain is so tired you don't even know what month it is. what is NOT overrated is sleep. never wake your kid up over a blog post. ever. throw your ipad down the stairs first, as hard as you can. and i'm not even kidding. tia - can never tell you enough how encouraging you are to me/us! so glad you're a sahm to jude and so can relate to this bumpy (and barfy, in your situation) ride! love you! and yes, i too am glad the house didn't go up in flames--i didn't have quite enough chicken-water for a disaster of that magnitude.

May 8, 2012 - 4:57 pm Stephanie - Love it! Though I have to say your facebook comment sounds WAY more like my real life here in Lima instead of your "real comment". Well, minus just a few things like... EVERYTHING ON THAT LIST!!! HAHA! Love you guys and hope one day God brings us together again, somewhere:)

May 8, 2012 - 4:00 pm Tia - J, hilarious!!! Loved it all and could totally relate on so many different levels. What a relief to know that I am not alone in that a productive day is now defined as one where I am able to shower. I am so proud of you for diving in there and getting your hands dirty (literally with poop, chicken juice, etc.)! Lins is so blessed to have you there to care so well for the girlies while she is trying to bring home the bacon. From the beginning, I have always been inspired by the teamwork you both model. Love you and am so glad that you didn't burn the apartment down! :)

May 8, 2012 - 1:17 pm andrea - i can truly appreciate this post as a new stay at home mom! i literally could not find the time to take a shower or get my teeth brushed yesterday...let alone bake eight dozen gluten-free cupcakes! i laughed out loud at the tooth brush story. i almost woke up jedidiah because i was shaking! ha! great post!!

May 8, 2012 - 12:42 pm andrew b - goodness I miss you. Lori told me to read your blog because of how much she loved it, and man, she nailed it. You are an amazing story teller. I loved reading your last two entries. Thanks for sharing, and keep em comin'!

May 8, 2012 - 12:41 pm bethany thompson - I desperately needed this. I've only been a stay at home mom for 2 weeks to a little munchkin who's activities are limited to eat, sleep, diaper changes and the occasional bath & I already think its hard. love hearing it from your perspective. & love that you're able to laugh about all the mishaps.

May 8, 2012 - 11:37 am vicki gilbert - I just love your blog today. The stay at home mom is really hard work. I am so glad that you can spend time with the kids.

May 8, 2012 - 10:33 am Anneliese - Your blogs are always my favorite! And this post is no exception. As a SAHM, I secretly love hearing my day written from a dads perspective. Just know you are becoming a better dad, husband, & man for it! What a job you are undertaking for your family. But somebody's gotta do it ;) to bad you don't live closer- we could have a play date.

horror flicks, the egyptian psychiatrist, and an extra tasty lemonade

Sunday, April 22, 2012 Posted in daily life

hey everyone! happy spring! ahh yes, newness is in the air…baby birds chirping, flowers blooming, and a blog post on this website–not sure which one of those is the biggest miracle! i used to dream of having this totally awesome, super consistent, thought-provoking and culture-changing blog (like EVERYONE else seems to be able to do), but when it actually came to blogging, i was lucky to get out one post every other week. What also didn’t help is that I recently took a short break from blogging. and by “recently” i mean in 2010, and by “short break” i mean 2 years and 1 month.

the break has been healthy for me. i have found myself fighting less feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and incompetence as i embraced my inability to live out my above mentioned dream.

recently though, my desire to write again has been stirring in me. more specifically, my desire to tell stories has been stirring…amusing stories and everyday ones and ones of god, us, and of him showing up in unexpected places in our lives. they have been filling up inside of me and i kept thinking, “this is just wrong to keep these to myself, these stories need to be told.” and then i remembered we have a website that contains a blog section, and, well, here i am. back. hopefully frequently, but maybe not. i’ll let you know on facebook (which i update regularly—and by “regularly” i mean about every 10 months).

considering that the name of our website is “our beautiful mess” i was glad to have stumbled into a situation (which is how it usually happens with me) that does justice to the name of the site. and so, it is with this story of beauty in the mess that i begin to blog, or continue, or whatever…again…..

many of you know that i battled depression and anxiety during our year in costa rica (2008-2009). although that battle was slightly lessened upon returning to the states, depression and anxiety still had powerful grips on me. a couple of months ago, my counselor suggested seeing a psychiatrist, which i had not yet done.

my lovely bride graciously assisted me in the overwhelming (to me) challenge of finding a doctor and scheduling an appointment. she looked online for psychiatrists nearby, and jotted down a list of them, in a somewhat random order. she called the name on the top of her list, but no one answered. then she called the second one, and again, no answer. her third choice finally yielded some results, and she scheduled an appointment. a week later she and i were in the car driving to see this doctor. it was a “perfect” day for a psychiatrist appointment–i was feeling “down” and had been moving slowly through the day in a heavy, life-draining fog that so often accompanies depression.i had never been to a psychiatrist before, and the whole drive there, i was slightly distracted by what i might encounter. when i thought of a psychiatrist, all i could think about were scenes from horror movies…i pictured lindsey and i walking warily down a long, dimly light, and chillingly cold hallway, the blueish flourescent lights above, buzzing and flickering on and off, our footsteps echoing loudly and our hearts beating out of our chests. In this imaginative psychiatrist visit, we hesitantly walk through the thick, steel door of the doctor’s office, and it slams and locks behind us. we stand face to face with the creepy old doctor, who of course has thin, bony fingers, squinty eyes that peer into my soul, and a devilish grin, all communicating to me that he wants to strap me in a chair and hook up wires to my brain for some evil mind experiment.

as i snapped back to reality i pulled into the parking lot of the office building in transylvania, i mean, newport beach. as we entered the building, i was surprised and relieved to find the hallway pleasantly lit, and the office lobby calm and safe. whew. and you may think i’m exaggerating (and i might be, slightly), but strangely i did have continual thoughts of a horror flick flashing through my mind, and when i walked into the lobby i instantly felt some fears subside and i could sense my body relaxing a bit.i slumped in a chair and lindsey graciously filled out the paperwork for me, as i was just too overwhelmed with life to think straight. legal paperwork drains my brain and stresses me out on a “good” day, and on this day I probably would’ve just broken down into tears of defeat trying to remember my date of birth.after several minutes, the psychiatrist walked into the lobby and invited us back to his office. he was an older egyptian man, with a soft voice. he was kind and welcoming and gave off no vibe whatsoever that he would experimentally try to switch my brain with that of a chimpanzee. still slightly apprehensive and nervous though, i stepped into his office and for whatever reason, immediately scanned the books on his shelves. i was surprised and intrigued to see several familiar theology books and bible commentaries. immediately i could feel myself relax a bit more, both inwardly and outwardly, as i realized this doctor was most likely a jesus-follower, like us (which he was).

he asked questions and i told him my story and he listened, and i soon felt at ease with him. i had a growing sense of confirmation that seeing a psychiatrist had been a wise choice. as the conversation continued, i noticed a rare spark of excitement ignite inside of me, as i realized that he understood me and had confidence he could help. i started to let myself believe that i might actually begin to heal! at the end of the appointment, with encouraged hearts, we thanked him and were about to stand up to leave, when he asked if he could pray for us. i was surprised, but grateful that he would take time to pray. in his soft voice, and strong middle-eastern accent, he prayed and acknowledged god as our ultimate healer and provider.  he prayed that god would lead us to the best medicine to help me, that my body and mind would be restored, and that i could find hope. he prayed for our marriage and for our little girls.

about halfway through his prayer, tears started pouring out of my eyes (hey, i’m a cryer, ok). i was overwhelmed, but this time with awe and thankfulness, that god had actually seen me and had heard my cries for help, that he had led us to this kind and caring doctor, the third choice on our completely random list. i was overcome with relief to have this brother-in-christ so compassionately come alongside me in my battle, to fight with me and fight for me–for healing, for wholeness, for truth, and life. my heart was also full of gratitude for a brave, supportive, and encouraging wife who didn’t judge my brokenness, but instead jumped into the dark, foggy places of my life and grabbed my arm and helped me stumble toward light and clarity.when he finished praying, I wiped my eyes and we all stood up and walked toward the door. i reached out my hand to shake the doctor’s hand and he walked closer to me and smiled and gave me a big hug. again, tears (i’m a hugger too, what can i say?).as he, lindsey, and i walked to the lobby, our conversation turned to options for payment of the doctor bills, as our finances were tight and our insurance basically sucked. he looked at us and said, “don’t worry about that at all, we’ll work something out. I am a christian, and i am not here to make a living, i am here to make a difference” (!!)

lindsey and i walked away hand-in-hand with smiles pasted on our faces. we got in the car and thanked god for so perfectly orchestrating this meeting between us and this doctor. I never would’ve dreamt that my first visit to a psychiatrist would be one of the highlights of the year!

our kids were with a babysitter so we decided to make a date-night out of it, and drove to our home-away-from-home, chick-fil-a, for a quick dinner. walking in to the restaurant, i think i had a skip in my step! the normally friendly employees seemed even more friendly to me, and i swear the lemonade tasted just a little lemonadier (?)! lindsey and i chilled and laughed and enjoyed the moment and talked optimistically about even better days coming. if you had seen me just a couple hours earlier, in the lobby of the doctor’s office, head in my hands, shoulders slumped, and then now laughing over dinner,  you would’ve sworn that my brain did actually get switched with that of a cheerful circus chimp, because i was a different person. it’s a powerful thing when darkness retreats in the presence of light and when hopelessness cowers from new hope.

though i would’ve never invited depression and anxiety to accompany me on my daily journey of life, i have been able to experience glimpses of salvation and redemption in ways i never would have. sometimes the mess actually helps magnify the beauty, making it plain and clear to see, for those of us with poor eyesight. but how about you?? is there light breaking in to your darkness today? can beauty be found in your messiness here and now? do you have stories of redemption? these stories cannot be kept to yourself! your stories need to be told!

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by jason

6 comments

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April 24, 2012 - 2:47 pm wes - Man... all of the ways I can relate to this... or maybe even more so to lindsey's side of this :) thanks for sharing... better days are coming... they're already here... and they're coming. Did you know we were in costa wreak-a for almost a whole 4 months before stacy went to the store or took a taxi by herself? And that was only after the happy pills had started working right before we went back to Texas. we had a not-so-great psychiatrist... but an amazingly awesome jesus following psychologist... changed our lives.

April 24, 2012 - 11:30 am Annelise Kliewer - "tears of defeat trying to remember my date of birth" my favorite line. and my real question is...why are accents so comforting?? cause they are.

April 23, 2012 - 10:36 pm Brenda Graham - Been there, done that, Jason! Talked to your Mom a bit about it. Peace is a word that I can understand now, and hope filled with gratitude for our Savior who becomes more awesome to me daily and His sacrifice becomes more real!

April 23, 2012 - 4:13 pm Tara - Like

April 23, 2012 - 1:46 pm Ruth - Jason,your story brought me to tears. It is a very familiar story to me. I also have struggled with anxiety,depression and panic attacks, because of an event that happen to me many years ago in college. It is truly amazing how God leads us to the "right" person on the random list. I pray that you can get some peace of mind with the help of this doctor. Hang in there...it sounds like you are on the right track now.

April 23, 2012 - 12:42 pm suz - welcome back! loved this story when Linds shared it with me and enjoyed reading it from your view. God's faithfulness is amazing and when we share our stories we encourage others. your last paragraph was poignant and encouraging for me today: in the midst of a low day, personally, I'm called to gratitude, even in the hard things. looking forward to hearing more!