It’s still unclear how it happened, and at this point it doesn’t really matter, but somehow in going for a sip of my delicious latte, I managed to spill about 14 of the 16 oz of steaming hot liquid all over the keyboard of our MacBook laptop. The computer immediately went black and I began freaking out (to put it mildly). I remember looking at the computer flooded with coffee and my first thought was a mixture of “this can’t really be happening” and “I am the biggest idiot that’s ever lived and I no longer deserve to live.” Sounds extreme, but in that moment, I felt like a embarrassing klutz (what kind of a person is so careless as to even drink coffee close to a computer?), a failure as a wife (I am supposed to take care of Jason’s and my things, not destroy them), and overall, I felt like I could not be more unacceptable (what I did could not be taken back, and I messed up big time). I wondered what those around me must be thinking of me. I wondered if our pictures, documents, and databases would be lost forever (no, we don’t have our computer backed up anywhere… this will soon be remedied); but mostly I wondered what Jason must be thinking of me (like, “what an idiot!,” “why wasn’t she more careful?!,” “how could she do something like this?!”)

(Here’s where my night in shining armor comes in and saves the day!)

Although I dealt with all these reactions and feelings that were going on inside of me, by punishing and hating myself, Jason flooded me with grace! In fact, it brings tears to my eyes right now as a remember back and type… I was shaking and crying, so he sprung into action, using his extra shirt to soak up some of the mess. As he picked up the computer, a mixture of coffee and non-fat milk poured out of every port! Yet he just kept saying, “Lindsey, it’s ok. It’s not a big deal.”’

“Yes it is a big deal!,” was my response. You see, we are missionaries. We don’t own nice cars, clothes, or jewelry. The nicest, most expensive thing that we own is that MacBook… and we use it multiple times a day… so additionally it is by far the most important thing we own… and I ruined it (“What an idiot! What a failure! You deserve to be punished and ridiculed!,” was all I kept thinking to myself).

We packed up our stuff and in reality the 15 minute walk back home was kinda a blur for me. I know I kept condemning myself and Jason kept assuring me that it was just an accident, that the important things in life were all still intact (I was ok, he was ok, we were ok, and the baby was ok), and that I needed to calm down so the baby would not be negatively affected by my freaking out (“Just take a deep breath and breathe,” he’d say).

It still seems amazing to me, but by the time we walked up to our front door, I was beginning to gain some perspective. The grace that Jason poured out on me began to change my thoughts and feelings. Maybe the world is not over… maybe if Jason could still accept me even with what I did, I could accept myself.

I cannot tell you how Jason’s reaction to me and his continued acceptance of me, from the beginning, spoke to my heart and soul! Later that night, I was picking up Baja Fresh for dinner (this was not a night to try and tackle both data recovery and dinner), and was packing up those little cups of salsa to take home, and as I reflected on the day, I started crying. It hit me that because of what I did in spilling that latte and ruining our computer, I felt so incredibly unacceptable… (which is such an awful feeling… one that I have had in other instances when I didn’t measure up… one that you probably have had at one time or another)… YET, I WAS ACCEPTED! Accepted by Jason, even though it was also his computer that I killed, even though he had every right to shame and humiliate me for what I did. Instead, I was loved and accepted… told I was still ok.

Jason’s loving and gracious response to me helped me see and even deeper reality… I am not only accepted by Jason, I am accepted by God. What a powerful message my heart received that night, that in spite of what I did, and even though I could do nothing to make the situation better, I was still accepted… the Gospel – how scandalously beautiful it is! I am accepted, not because of what I do or don’t do, but because of who’s I am – ultimately, I am God’s daughter. And I can rest even after destroying our most expensive, valuable possession, because my acceptance comes from my identity in Him.

Yet there was a part of me that resisted Jason’s grace. Seems ludicrous… why wouldn’t I just run into his arms of grace and simply bask in all it’s wonder? I wished, at least for a bit, that he would yell at me and scold me for being so careless. Why was that? Why is grace sometimes so hard to receive? Well, for me, I wanted what I deserved – a reaction from him of frustration, criticism, and anger. That would have felt more right, in some way. It’s almost like this… if he would have punished me instead of showing me grace, I could in some way make myself more acceptable on my own. I would owe him a new computer, but nothing more. If I could beat myself up enough and show Jason that I was sorry enough, then he would eventually forgive me and in a sense, he would accept me again, because of what I did… giving me some power or control or something…

It’s not totally clear in my mind, the deeper aspects of why I resisted Jason’s grace (and in many ways continue to resist grace wherever I find it), but I do know that it has something to do with me not wanting to surrender and be so needy that I can’t do “it” on my own… without Jason, and ultimately without God.

Anyway, so that’s our story… who knew that doing something so human as me spilling a latte on our laptop, could be used to speak such amazing truths of the Gospel to my heart?! I still can hardly believe that Jason has such love for me, yet I am learning to just receive that and bask in it. And with God, I am too just beginning to believe that I no longer need to strive and strain and try to earn His favor, but that He just wants me to rest in His acceptance of me as His daughter. Sounds almost too good to be true… yet it is true!

All that to say, that this is how I have been in regards to this blog. We usually love checking our site to see if anyone has read our post or posted a comment of their own, but the past 6 weeks, we have completely ignored our site… almost in denial that we have a site, because to acknowledge that we have one is to acknowledge how we are failing with it. Although we have been very busy, there have been several spare moments here and there that I could have posted, but feeling guilty and like a failure, I do what I normally do… I try to earn my acceptance back on my own. The way I typically do that in this sort of case is to spend lots of time and write the best blog post yet, since that’s the least I can do.

As I analyze this part of me, I am coming to see how ridiculous this way of thinking is:

(1) I am making myself out to be much more important and indispensable than I really am. In many ways, the pressure I feel comes from me thinking that this person or these people are counting on me and I have failed them. Like without my phone call or post, they must be so bummed out or let down. At times that might be somewhat true, but the majority of the time, I find that my inaction has cause few, if any ripples.

(2) Grace is nowhere to be found. In my head, and growing in my heart, I do believe that because of Jesus, grace is readily available for me. Yet, most of the time, I do not live like this reality exists. I would rather earn my acceptance on my own, thank you very much. So I do what I know to do to be a good friend, which for a bit makes me feel like I am ok. The problem comes when I fail in what I consider to be good-friendly duties (which for me, happens fairly frequently). Like I mentioned above guilt starts eating away at me, as I am left on my own to try to get back in right standing. Where is the grace? Where is the gospel? Where is the acknowledgment that my acceptance and ok-ness (is that a word?) comes from the perfect life that Jesus lived on my behalf and not from my own silly attempts to live perfectly? Answers… nowhere! I desire that God would teach me more about His love and grace, so that the truth that I am accepted just because I am His daughter, and not because of anything that I did or didn’t do, would seep deep into my heart – allowing me to “fail” a friend without my worth being jeopardized – which would allow me to in turn be a better friend, since I can then act out of grace and love, and not out of duty and guilt. I seek Him to grow my heart in this rich, abundant grace that we all have in Christ.

Well, my post is long, yet surprisingly, I have not written to impress or try to earn back your favor (for perhaps I never had it or lost it in the first place . For the moment, I am basking in my “ok-ness” in Christ. However, we do desire to post more frequently, especially in this season of transition and change for our family – so that you might be able to pray for us and be included in our lives. We will do our best, and will come back to the gospel when we fail.

Thanks for your perseverance in checking our blog! We really do appreciate you (whoever you all are)!