this beautiful mess: entry 1

First of all, thank you all for the comments, emails, etc., regarding these posts. I am encouraged, which is helping me risk a little more. (If you do not know what I’m talking about, please read “This Beautiful Mess: Intro” in our blog archive). I am finding this very, very difficult though. Much harder than I thought. This first entry has been on my computer, nearly finished, for over 2 months, and it has been in my head for longer than that. Getting it to the website is not easy, b/c I keep writing and re-writing. I say that I want it to be “raw” and not cleaned up, but, deep down, I want it to be perfect. I am afraid I will post something that won’t make sense, won’t affect anyone, or won’t make me look brilliantly self-aware. This process is like a magnifying glass, clearly revealing the fact that I desperately need God and His grace. I need salvation daily–I need to be saved from my fear of mediocrity, from my pride, from myself!

Anyway, this first entry involves a situation that happened at my job in California, right at the time I decided to do these blog posts. Although the actual event occurred a while ago, I chose to use it as an example, b/c this type of thing happens over and over in my life, but just looks differently each time. So, here goes.

It was a dark and stormy night…just kidding…but it was Friday afternoon, and I was almost ready to get off of work. I was looking forward to the weekend, when, in the span of about 15 minutes, I got several phone calls about a possible mistake I had made in my drywall estimating. The phone calls involved me receiving an earful of comments, in rather loud voices, such as, “I’ve been in this business since you were in diapers, and I’ve never seen anything figured the way you did!!” Just what a recovering people-pleaser wanted to hear. This “mistake” that I supposedly made, halted construction and could cost the company thousands of dollars. So, a meeting was set up for Monday morning so that blame could be determined and it could then get straightened out (meaning, figuring out was going to pay for the mistake). I had been at this job for about 2 1/2 years, and had never been required to leave the office to go to a meeting. So this seemed like a big deal, and I was really, really dreading it. I thought there was a slim chance I did not mess up, but I was not confident enough to have any peace about it. I was fairly sure I had screwed up significantly.

Usually I leave the office and never think of my job, but over the weekend, I found myself very preoccupied with thoughts of the Monday meeting. I was nervous, and scared about facing people who I had, in my mind, let down. I hate disappointing people. I hate screwing up. I hated the fact that my mistake could cost the company money and I was embarrassed and worried about what my bosses would think of me, as an employee. My mind was spinning, going over what I was going to say in the meeting to minimize the damage, so to speak. I kept beating myself up (w/my thoughts, not physically), wishing I would’ve just done the job differently in the first place, so I could’ve avoided this whole mess. The situation had a lot of power over me, which was unfortunate, b/c it affected my relationships over the weekend. I was not able to be as present as I would’ve liked, with Lindsey and Shelby. Lindsey mentioned, a couple times, that she could tell I was distracted. During at least one conversation w/her, I was not able to engage w/her at the level she needed, b/c I was so worried about the meeting. I didn’t like that at all. I wanted to be free to relate to her like I usually did, but I was not able to.

Now, for many of you, a situation like this would be no big deal, but for me, it triggered something deep inside of me that caused much worry and fear, among other things. Different people have different “triggers” that cause those feelings and reactions. The question I had to ask myself was–what exactly was I so worried about? Why did I care so much about the opinions of some grouchy construction superintendents? Why did their words threaten me and have so much control over me?

I don’t know the complete, inexhaustible answers to those questions, but, here is what I think I know. To put it very simply, I was fearful about the meeting b/c, to a certain extent, I do not believe that I am loved and accepted by God. Now, that might sound a little extreme, but let me explain. My value and worth comes from God, from who He says I am. The glory of the Gospel is that I am flawed b/c of sin, but, in that sinfulness, I am deeply known and loved. I am made in the image of a God who is love. I am made acceptable to Him b/c of what Christ has done, not b/c of my efforts. In my head I know this is true, but it doesn’t always sink down to my heart where I can function out of these truths. Because I have difficulty believing this amazing story of God loving me, I inevitably look to other things to find value, validation, and approval. There are many ways this plays out in my life, almost daily. There are many things I look to for my value (being funny, athletic, knowledgeable about the Bible or missions, among others) instead of looking to God and His Gospel. In this specific situation, much of my sense of self-worth was tied to my performance at work, and tied to other humans’ opinion of me, b/c of that performance. With that mindset, if I ever screw up, make mistakes, or even do something “average,” then I get a little afraid. Ultimately I get worried that I do not measure up, that I am not “OK” the way I am. I quickly (and wrongly) connect what I do, with who I believe I am. If my view of myself is based on my good performance, then, if that is taken away I feel threatened and scared. If that is taken away, what is left? Where do I find my worth? If I am not living and resting in God’s relationship w/me, I am always striving to maintain whatever it is that gives me my sense of being lovable, of being acceptable. If you think about it, that is just another form of works-righteousness. It is saying that I can make myself “OK” by trying hard and not being flawed. My actions, and reactions, to this situation revealed that I kind-of believe I am saved by grace through faith, and I kind-of still believe I need to help Jesus out a bit, add my efforts to His. That is not the Good News that saves people and sets them free. That is bad news that enslaves people to fear and pressure, hinders relationship, and brings exhaustion.

Over the course of that weekend I had talked some of this over w/Lindsey and our counselor. It was very helpful having someone walk through this w/me. Late Sunday night, before the Monday meeting, I realized that maybe God had let me get myself into this predicament for a reason. Maybe my “mistake” was not a mistake. Maybe He wanted to reveal my works-righteousness to me so I would throw myself, once again, at the foot of the cross and receive the grace He offers. If I was really created for an intimate relationship w/God, I thought, maybe this is something He is using to show Himself to me in a new and refreshing way. I began, slowly to see the situation in a new light.

The next morning I got up (still a little nervous, but not as much as the previous 2 days) and got in my car and started driving the hour-or-so to the dreaded meeting. With every minute I was getting closer and closer (although not much closer, considering the stupid freeway traffic). I began praying, and I prayed like I have a million times before…”God, please help everyone to be calm, and keep them from yelling at me, help me to just get through this meeting” and then I stopped. I realized, I was not even really praying. I don’t think I was even talking to God, I was just saying those words in my head b/c that’s what I normally would pray in the past. I realized, in fact, that that was not actually what I wanted. All weekend I had been trying to figure out ways of avoiding getting yelled at, getting blamed and looking foolish, etc. but God had been changing my heart, and, all of a sudden there was something I wanted more than that. It felt very odd. I had lived a couple decades trying to look perfect and please people and get their approval, but, something now was different. For a few minutes, more than I wanted God to get me out of this situation unscathed, I actually wanted God Himself. I wanted to know Him and see Him and experience His grace. I wanted to believe, deep in the core of my being, what He says of me–that He loves me, accepts me, and that I am His adopted son. And if getting yelled at and having people get mad at me would help me rest in those Gospel truths, then it was worth it. I didn’t want to escape the wrath of the angry construction workers if it meant missing out on an opportunity to relate to God in deeper ways. It was pretty amazing. Right then and there on the 405-North, I changed my prayer. As I drove, I repented of my pride that had caused me to think I could earn God’s approval by being perfect. I thanked Jesus for loving me and for making me acceptable. I thanked God for His presence in my life and for allowing me to be in process. I asked Him to give me eyes to see Him, in whatever situation He wanted to do that. I almost got a little excited. Weird. I felt like God knew what He was doing all along! (why does that come as a surprise to me?). I felt like God knew me so well…He allowed me to experience a very specific situation that triggered and revealed lies I held onto, deep inside of me. Then, at just the right moment, He wrapped His arms around me and opened my heart to His truth, grace and love. In a masterfully orchestrated series of events and interactions, God showed me that He is there, in my everyday,”ordinary” life, working through a mundane drywall estimating job to give me the best gift He can give…Himself.

I arrived at the place of the meeting, and what happened next is really inconsequential, so I’ll quit here…just kidding. If you’ve read this far, you deserve to hear the ending. I got there early, so I just sat in my car, calm. I saw another guy from our company show up, so I got out and walked over to him (again, calm. normally I would be so nervous I would almost have to puke). We made some small talk as we headed for the building to meet the rest of the parties involved, including the dude who had been in this business since I had been in diapers (his loud angry words, not mine). Everyone arrived, and, much to my surprise, the mistake I had been blamed for had already been straightened out! It hadn’t been my fault, and it had already been cleared up sometime Friday night or Saturday, without me even knowing about it. We talked over a few other very minor issues and, about an hour later, we all smiled and shook hands and joked as we went our separate ways! Even though I was calm going into the meeting, and was open to however God wanted to use this situation, I was still very relieved to come out innocent!

As situations similar to this pop up time after time, God is using them to help me embrace what is actually true. The more I grasp the reality that God loves me, the less I look other places for a sense of acceptability. When I am resting in His love, I am freed to enjoy, love, and relate to Lindsey, Shelby, myself, God, and others more closely to the way He intended. And that is a beautiful thing.

So, that’s it. Entry 1. One huge thing I left out (which was/is a lot of what Lindsey and our counselor helped/are helping me wrestle with) is why this specific situation affected me so severely. Why is it so difficult for me to believe God is a loving Father who loves me just as I am? Why do I feel the strong need to hide my faults and mistakes? When did these lies take hold so deeply within me? I am really learning a lot about myself and how I became who I am right now, but I’m not ready to write about that yet, and you probably don’t have time to read it. So, that is for another time.

But, with what I did write, I would really welcome your thoughts. Does this at all resonate with anyone? Does it spark any emotions or questions? Please let me know. Post a comment, send me a text or email, invite me to coffee (ha ha—no, but seriously, I think better over a macchiato) or call me up. I’d love to journey w/you!

Thank you very much for reading this!

(I am hoping “Entry 2″ will be much shorter and will come much sooner—yeah right)