blogging and the gospel

So if you are checking this, you must be a very faithful friend or family member. You might have noticed that our last post was over 6 weeks ago… oops! Do you ever get behind doing something like… calling someone back who left a voice mail, for instance. Well, if you are like me, I’m not great at checking my messages to begin with, so I’m probably already a few days behind in getting back to this person. Since I only have 5 minutes at the moment, I don’t call them right back, because I feel guilty and like I owe them a decent conversation. “I’ll call her tonight, when I can devote at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time; so even though I didn’t get right back to her, I will make it up by giving her quality time,” I think to myself. But of course, something will come up that night and my good intentions do not come to fruition. So another day or week goes by where I do not call, because I now need at least an hour of good, uninterrupted time to call, to make up for my past negligence. Am I the only one, or has anyone found his/herself in this vicious cycle? Usually when I do finally getting in touch with my friend, I feel so guilty and pathetic… yet I am typically and unexpectedly met with grace and maybe an honest encouragement to not let guilt keep me from taking the time I have to call.

All that to say, that this is how I have been in regards to this blog. We usually love checking our site to see if anyone has read our post or posted a comment of their own, but the past 6 weeks, we have completely ignored our site… almost in denial that we have a site, because to acknowledge that we have one is to acknowledge how we are failing with it. Although we have been very busy, there have been several spare moments here and there that I could have posted, but feeling guilty and like a failure, I do what I normally do… I try to earn my acceptance back on my own. The way I typically do that in this sort of case is to spend lots of time and write the best blog post yet, since that’s the least I can do.

As I analyze this part of me, I am coming to see how ridiculous this way of thinking is:

(1) I am making myself out to be much more important and indispensable than I really am. In many ways, the pressure I feel comes from me thinking that this person or these people are counting on me and I have failed them. Like without my phone call or post, they must be so bummed out or let down. At times that might be somewhat true, but the majority of the time, I find that my inaction has cause few, if any ripples.

(2) Grace is nowhere to be found. In my head, and growing in my heart, I do believe that because of Jesus, grace is readily available for me. Yet, most of the time, I do not live like this reality exists. I would rather earn my acceptance on my own, thank you very much. So I do what I know to do to be a good friend, which for a bit makes me feel like I am ok. The problem comes when I fail in what I consider to be good-friendly duties (which for me, happens fairly frequently). Like I mentioned above guilt starts eating away at me, as I am left on my own to try to get back in right standing. Where is the grace? Where is the gospel? Where is the acknowledgment that my acceptance and ok-ness (is that a word?) comes from the perfect life that Jesus lived on my behalf and not from my own silly attempts to live perfectly? Answers… nowhere! I desire that God would teach me more about His love and grace, so that the truth that I am accepted just because I am His daughter, and not because of anything that I did or didn’t do, would seep deep into my heart – allowing me to “fail” a friend without my worth being jeopardized – which would allow me to in turn be a better friend, since I can then act out of grace and love, and not out of duty and guilt. I seek Him to grow my heart in this rich, abundant grace that we all have in Christ.

Well, my post is long, yet surprisingly, I have not written to impress or try to earn back your favor (for perhaps I never had it or lost it in the first place . For the moment, I am basking in my “ok-ness” in Christ. However, we do desire to post more frequently, especially in this season of transition and change for our family – so that you might be able to pray for us and be included in our lives. We will do our best, and will come back to the gospel when we fail.

Thanks for your perseverance in checking our blog! We really do appreciate you (whoever you all are)!